Originally posted 6/28/2018- This May I attended Catalyst Con and sat in on a fabulous session called “Super Sluts: Personal Narratives of Reclamation” hosted by Jupiter’s Slut & Dirty Lola. Every time I attend a conference I take a ton of notes and plan on doing write-ups of all the sessions, but then I get home and put the notebook on the shelf and forget about them. This session has stuck with me, I kept the notebook in my backpack this whole time JUST to remind myself to write this. So now, almost two months later, here we are!
“Being a slut is being unapologetically in love with your sex life.” – Dirty Lola
As soon as I saw the words “SUPER SLUT” together in the conference program, I knew this session was for me. I’ve been calling myself a PROUD SLUT for about three years now. I went from a married, church-going, preschool teacher to a divorced, openly-slutty-super-queer lady who makes money by taking her clothes off on the internet. As if that wasn’t enough for folks to wrap their heads around, I also slam the SLUT label on myself. “Why!?” I’ve been asked so many times. I have struggled with answering that question ever since.
“Being a slut is my Shameless Luminous Untamed Truth.” – Jupiter’s Slut
For me, calling myself a proud slut is healing. I was called a slut before I was sexually active by other girls in my school. I knew it was a bad thing, but why? What makes a slut? Is it what I was wearing? The fact that I had more male friends than female? I suppose it all depends on who is wielding the word against you, and since the definition will always change, how can you possibly protect yourself from it? (Spoiler: You can’t. Slut shaming happens ALL THE TIME, it’s pretty accepted and celebrated still, to this day)
And if I’m a slut, what does that mean for me? That I don’t respect myself, or that I am unworthy of your respect? That I’m dirty? It was very confusing for me as a teen, and it made my sexuality feel embarrassing. I’m lucky that I didn’t get seriously bullied in school, but I was always made aware that I was “that girl“.
It’s hard to enjoy sex when it’s wrapped up in so much shame. I swear, I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 27 years old and started reading “The Ethical Slut”. That’s how powerful my shame was. This quote really resonated with me, and changed how I viewed the word:
SLUT: A person of any gender who has the courage to lead the life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you-. Dossie Easton
Something clicked. SLUT doesn’t have to be a bad word, in fact, I found many people reclaiming it. SEX IS NICE AND PLEASURE IS GOOD FOR YOU? What an idea!!! I started to realize that even in my past relationships, I’ve been slut-shamed for years and years, and I was tired of it. Over the last three years, I’ve set out on a journey to overcome my shame and fear of my own sexuality. I’ve had the help of a sex blog, a sex coach, and an audience. (I’m a Leo, after all 😉 ) I’ve taken back the word, it has no power over me anymore…
On the flip side…
When you market yourself as a slut, there is a LOT of room for let down. I was so glad that this got brought up during the Super Sluts session.
Lola talked about how she would proudly tweet her slutty moments for all these years, but if you ever stop to talk about oh, I don’t know, politics or a hard time in your life, people are like “WHAT ABOUT SUCKIN DICK?” Because you can’t possibly talk about both. (Sarcasm) She said there were time’s that she didn’t feel slutty enough because of this expectation.
I’m always slutty in my heart”- Dirty Lola
THIS X 1000.
There are times when my anxiety is so bad that I do not want to have sex or be touched, at all. And as a polyamorous person who is kinda-always dating, that gets super tricky. People know of me on the internet and expect that means some kinda slutty guarantee. I can’t tell you how many DM’s, messages on dating sites etc that I’ve received that say “Let’s fuck!”
When I say “no”, if I even bother responding, people have responded, “But you said you’re a slut!” *lol sob* THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS!
I’m a slut, but I’m a picky slut” – Dirty Lola
Slut in a Box
My notes start to dwindle here because I was having so many thoughts to write about, but I believe it was Jupiter who mentioned how it’s ok to be a slut if you just stay in your little slutty box. Once you start making people think, it’s not as okay. That’s when you’ll hear the pushback “What do you know? Slut”.
I have definitely felt this as someone who talks about camming and sexting, posts sensual images, and then talks about my trauma or my mom’s murder. I have felt that what I say isn’t as valid because of my job, or that I’m questioned because I can’t be taken as seriously if I’m a proud slut. It doesn’t have to be this way!
I am a slut, but I am smart. I am empowered by my sluttiness. It doesn’t have to be threatening. I will not force you to call yourself a slut. You can be a slut who has tons of sex or no sex at all, OR you can never let that word leave your mouth, doesn’t make you any less fun. We are all and valid just as we are! I hope that by living my life out loud I am helping other’s feel they can own their sexuality proudly (slutty or not), the same way others (like these two lovely ladies) have inspired me.
When the session first began, they asked us to write down our favorite super slut on a post-it and put it up on the board. I thought about it for a while and then wrote “myself”. It was a powerful moment for me in acknowledging how much work I’ve put into my own healing, sexual and otherwise, and a moment where I realized I can be my own superhero. <3
I also told my sluthood story out loud, from start to finish (Which I don’t think I’ve EVER done!) to the room which was very empowering, Lola gave me a big hug afterward and thanked me for sharing, which was so special to me.
Thank you to Jupiter and Lola for offering such a safe space and for sharing so much of your own journeys.