Episode 20 Transcript- What even is time?

M: So good.

L: that’s been so good. It’s been really good self-care for me because it’s making me like, laugh out loud. And even though like, I think I’m doing okay and I’m doing way better than I was sort of, like, at the beginning of all this, I’m not like, finding a ton of laugh out loud joyful moments.

M: Yeah.

L: And so it’s been really (laughs) it was just really nice to just like, laugh really hard at something. And because I’m like, mildly narcissistic I just like whenever anybody has the same experiences as me.

M: Mmhm.

L: And she’s the same age as me. And I love some shit where someone’s the same age as me because we have all the same cultural references and I just feel like I’m talking to a funnier version of myself when I’m reading it.

Both: (laugh)

M: I have loved Sam Irby for so long now, from before she had books. She used to have- I mean, she still has a blog, Bitches Gotta Eat.

L: Yeah.

M: And I think she is one of my favorite writers. She’s hysterical.

L: That’s awesome. This is the first book of hers that I’ve read. The first time I heard about her way late, that I know she wrote the episode of Shrill that’s like the fat babe pool party,

M: Uh huh.

L: which was a really great episode. And I did really like that show. And that was the first time, though, that I was really introduced to her. So, yeah. I’m excited. I’m excited to read the other books too.

M: Oh, they’re all so good.

L: Yeah. I guess reading is another, just in general. I also just read a book called Magic for Liars. The author’s name is Sarah Gailey. It’s like a queer murder mystery set at a school for magicians.

M: That sounds awesome.

L: And like, it’s really, it was really fun. And I would say like, I also would recommend it to people who are like- It’s not- I guess it’s a murder mystery but it’s not particularly violent, if that, you know, if you’re a person who’s like, “Well, that sounds kind of okay, but I’m not into like, really upsetting things or really like, true crime kind of things.” It’s not. Yeah. I really liked it.

M: I’m sure I would love it but my TBR list is so long. I can’t even add anything right now.

L: I know.

M: But you know what I realize?

Both: (talking at same time)

L: What?

M: No. Go ahead. I was just gonna say

L: (laughs)

M: I don’t read that many queer books.

L: Oh. Yeah?

M: I’ve been reading the straight stuff. Anyways, go on. What were you gonna say?

L: I’m also- I’m in two queer books clubs right now. (laughs) So the other thing that I’m gonna, that I just got but I haven’t started yet is Carmen Esposito’s book.

M: Yeah.

L: What’s it called? Save Me? Save? I’m such a- What is it called? Her memoir. Cameron. Did I say Carmen? I said Carmen.

M: Oh. I didn’t even notice.

L: Cameron Esposito’s memoir.

M: (laughs)

L: Jesus Christ. My brain just didn’t want to get any of those words out. Yeah. I’m reading that for a book club that they’re doing through The Last Bookstore. They have a queer book club, which my therapist told me about. (laughs) And then I have one with friends as well. The last book that I had with my own, with friends was a romance Choose Your Own Adventure. And I was the asshole who was like, “Nope. Not interested.” So I tried but I could not. I could not. I think you would have liked it though.

M: I would love it. I like romance books. And I’ve been reading a lot of straight romance books because of working in that industry and you know, having to know some of the books.

L: Yeah.

M: So that’s why, besides reading those, I started reading a paranormal romance book, which I loved.

L: Oh, run.

M: It was so good. It was like about werewolves and vampires and angel half-breeds. And just, it was wild. But it was really good. Sam sent me a list

L: Mmhm.

M: Yeah. (laughs)

L: I feel like I’m being like a snob about it. I just don’t like nice things.

M: (laughs)

L: I don’t like when nice things happen to people in books. So yeah. What else has been going on for you? I feel like maybe it would be nice- I had this thought earlier that maybe we could just get like, we each could have a little rant in about all the things that are like super annoying about this

M: Mmhm.

L: quarantine lockdown stuff and like get it out so like other people, when they’re listening can think like, give yourself some time every day to just think, “This fucking sucks.”

M: Mmhm.

L: And then we can talk about some nice parts too.

M: Yeah. Well, the things that suck for me the most are that I’ve been so busy. And I would be busy no matter what was going on.

L: Yeah.

M: So that’s not necessarily related to the quarantine. But the fact that life is different and I can’t do thing I would normally. It’s like sucking more and more as time because, especially because of finding myself more busy and more frustrated in that way.

L: Yeah.

M: It would be nice to be able to leave the house more. And people always say, “Why don’t you walk your dog? Why don’t you do this?” Blah blah blah. And I’m like, “No. What I want to do is go to a library.”

L: Right.

M: Walking my dog gives me so much anxiety. Like, I don’t know why. I do it every once in awhile. Honestly, I think I’m a pretty good dog mom, you know. (laughs) People call themself that.

L: Of course.

M: I just don’t- I don’t walk her that much. (laughs) Like, that’s just the truth. It’s not something I like to do ’cause she’s a small dog and I have really bad anxiety. I’m always worried that we’re gonna, ’cause there’s so many dogs in my neighborhood, like huge dogs too, that we’re gonna get attacked or something. And if that happened, I would just be devastated. So, it’s probably not the best that my anxiety is that but here I am. Like what am I gonna do. I don’t enjoy walking the dog. (laughs)

L: Yeah.

M: And the only place I can go seems like, is the grocery and I’m tired of that because it sounds- It does. It’s hard to complain. I feel bad to complain because social distancing sucks so bad and the lines are so long. Everything takes forever. But I guess that why it’s nice to allow ourselves to complain.

L: That’s what I mean, yeah. I’ve been going through that too, where it’s like, “Well, I shouldn’t complain ’cause I’m healthy and people have it worse.” But like, of course people have it worse and that’s awful.

M: Yeah.

L: But I think it is helpful to- Like I’m so fucking tired of walking through my neighborhood.

M: Mmhm.

L: Like I don’t care about my neighborhood anymore. At the beginning I was like, “I live in a really nice neighborhood. There’s like all these really cute houses and they all have really pretty flowers.” And I’m like, “Fuck these flowers. I don’t want to be in this neighborhood anymore.”

M: (laughs) Oh my gosh.

L: I also have a panic attack every time I go to the grocery store.

M: It’s so bad.

L: And so that sucks.

M: Why don’t we do like Amazon cart or whatever? I just thought about that the other day. Why don’t I do it? Why don’t you do it?

L: No. They don’t have- They didn’t have any delivery things available last time.

M: Okay.

L: They have like none.

M: See, I haven’t even tried.

Both: (both talking at same time)

L: Why do we- We keep talking at the same time. It’s funny. We never do that. Oh well.

M: I know. Is there a delay or are we just doing that today? (laughs)

L: I don’t know. I think maybe we’re just doing it today. No, all I was gonna say is like, I know you can do like, curbside pickup sometimes. But I’m kind of like, if I have to leave the house, I’d rather pick out the food myself. I don’t know. I’ve had food like, I get delivery every now and then, like maybe once a week, like from a restaurant. But I don’t know. I’m so torn because I’m just like a brat about the grocery store. I like to pick out like what I want.

M: Mmhm.

L: And I also really prefer going to Trader Joe’s. It’s the most reasonably priced for me to get all the things that I need with my like, shit I can’t eat. So, yeah. You can’t get delivery for Trader Joe’s. So I don’t know. But yeah.

M: Oh, that’s true.

L: But have that be the like, thing I’m doing, like the one like, outing, sucks.

M: But I hate it. And even when I just wanna go pick up my prescriptions at Target, the line… It’s so long to get in.

L: Ugh. Yes.

M: Just hate every second of that.

L: Yep. Here’s another petty one I want to complain about. I fucking hate wearing a mask with my glasses ’cause they steam up and I can’t see anything.

M: Oh. That’s the worst too. (laughs)

L: It’s so dumb. I know. And also, of course, I’ve got my kid home and that’s (laughs) something.

M: That’s a thing.

L: I don’t want her to listen to this like, years from now and have me complaining but, ooh it’s tough.

M: I bet.

L: And we are still in school for another fuckin’ five or six weeks.

M: Oh my gosh.

L: So yeah. I’m not a good teacher. Actually, that’s not true. I’m a really good teacher for some things. But for other things I’m not. And it just feels exhausting. So yeah. But on the other side-

M: The other thing that I’ve been doing. Oh sorry. (laughs)

L: No, go.

M: We’re just gonna keep talking at the same time.

L: (laughs)

M: I was just gonna say we’re at the point where I’m at the fun things that I do, like puzzles and we play Uno and play cards and stuff. I’m already over that too. So now I don’t know what to do.

L: Yes. No, I hear that. I sent mail to like everyone I know. And I’m like, well that’s a fun thing to do. But like I’m done. (laughs) I sent like 30 pieces of mail. Again, I said this last time but I’ll say it again. If you’re a listener and you would like some mail, just let me know. It doesn’t matter if I know you in real life. I’ve sent stuff to strangers. ‘Cause it gives me a destination to walk to my mailbox. So if I have to walk, at least I have a place to go. But I can tell you a good thing, which is I finally, I’m a few weeks behind, I feel like the rest of the world, or the rest of the queers I know, but now I’m like really getting into like, “What can I make at my house?”

M: Uh huh. (laughs)

L: And I made a really, really good lasagna this week. (laughs) And I’ve made like, desert and now I, so yeah. So I’m like, I’m getting into that like, “How can I nest if I’m stuck here?”

M: Mmhm.

L: And I’m like really excited to learn how to garden at some point. I don’t know. I feel like, like the longer I’m in this, the most I’m like, “I just want to get a wife and like live in a fucking cottage.”

M: Yeah. (laughs)

L: And like, that’s it. I’m also noticing- This is an interesting thing because you’ve been obviously nonmonogamous and now you’re monogamous.

M: Mmhm.

L: I know that this is like quarantine lonliness talking, but there is a part of me that’s like, “Ugh. Maybe nonmonogamy’s just too much work.” (laughs)

M: Yeah. (laughs) I know a bunch of people are feeling like that right now.

L: Right?

M: Yeah.

L: It just seems like a lot. I mean, but like I’m single and that’s like, you know, that’s its own thing. I don’t know. I can’t decide if it’s even like, who ever knows what dating or what anything looks like right now.

M: Well, have you- You’ve been dating still or are you not?

L: I have. I have. I’m like, hesitant to- I have been seeing somebody, which seeing is a funny word to use because I have not been seeing them in real life.

M: Yeah.

L: I’ve never met them in real life.

M: That is so cool though.

L: It is.

M: I think that’s so cool.

L: It’s also, it’s like really- You know what it is? It’s one of those things where if this works out and turns out to be a thing, it’ll be a really cute story. But right now, (laughs) it’s kind of a bummer. Like, it’s not a bummer, the dates are really sweet and cute. And I’m enjoying it. It’s just weird to not be able to see somebody.

M: So what are you doing for dates? Or do you not wanna talk about it?

L: No, no. I can. It’s vague enough that I can talk about. Like we, I think I said before, we played the little get-to-know-you card game.

M: Oh yeah.

L: We’ve watched movies together. And we had a date in Animal Crossing, (laughs)

M: Like on Zoom?

L: It’s really cute. Yeah. We’ve been doing FaceTime ’cause-

M: That’s adorable!

L: But yeah. No, right? It really is. It’s lovely. And I think- I actually feel really good about it. I just feel like generally sad that I can’t see humans. I actually saw humans for the first time in a social setting, which I did like a social distance barbeque last weekend.

M: Oh, you did? That sounds like fun.

L: Yeah. So like I’m obviously not gonna like be specific about- It’s interesting. I never know. People are like, “Oh. You shouldn’t even do that.” But basically I have friends who have an outdoor area. And I stayed like on the other side of the fence but still like eight or more feet away. But still like ate food. And sat down like in a chair (laughs) and chatted. And I can’t tell you how nice it was. It’s like- ‘Cause I’ve seen people for things like errands, you know, like dropping things off or picking things up and kind of like, yelling to someone while they stand on their front stoop.

M: Mmhm.

L: So like I’ve technically seen some people but I haven’t had like, any kind of like, even remotely normal like, social interaction with anyone, of course except for my family. So that’s been hard. And I mean I know there’s people who are completely isolated. So I know that that’s hard tool But thi is the first time, yeah, that I did anything, that I got invited, you know (laughs)

M:  Mmhm.

L: to a thing that actually felt safe, so that was nice.

M: My neighbors in my apartment building do a social distance happy hour, sometimes like once a week.

L: Nice.

M: And we’re usually invited and sometimes we’ll go sit out there and they bring the chairs and they but ’em all, you know, so far apart. And that’s been fun. But lately I’ve been too busy to go.

L: Yeah.

M: But it’s nice that they do that.

L: That is nice.

M: But then again, I was also like, “But I don’t know if this is really allowed or not.” And like the police actually drove through and said that it was okay but they wanted to make sure we weren’t drinking any alcohol (laughs) so there was no bottle of anything. But we thought that was funny. We’re like, “Okay.” (laughs)

L: That’s funny. Just because you’re like, outside?

M: Yeah.

L: Okay. That’s funny.

M: Yeah. So we had a little visitor. (laughs)

L: This is where I take a moment to remind everybody fuck the police.

M:  (laughs)

L: I just read a thing too that said like, of all the people that have been given like, you know, like citations or whatever,

M: Mmhm.

L: for like, not social distancing, they’re like all Black and Brown people, of course.

M: Mmhm.

L: This was a more speci- This was in Brooklyn, but I’m sure that’s the case everywhere, so yeah. Fuck the police.

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M: I wanted to mention that lovely card that someone drew for us on Instagram.

L: Oh, yes. Please do.

M: I want to pull up the message. Where is it? I thought that was the sweetest thing. It made me happy.

L: It was.

M: And I actually talked to her and said she could mail it to my P.O. Box.

L: Oh. Awesome.

M: So we’re gonna get it.

L: Yay!

M: But that was so sweet. How do I even see our DMs. Oh, there they are.

L: (laughs)

M: She said, “I wrote you two a letter to say thank you.” It says, “Cheers you beautiful queers. Dear Leigh and Megan, Thank you both so much for your vulnerable candor, for you humor, and for sharing how each of you is practicing self-love. On hard days, you help remind me that we all matter. On good days, I feel joy.” And she drew a rainbow and wrote that out but sent us a picture of it.

L: That is so nice.

M: It made my day.

L: I love that so much. Yeah. When you shared that with me that made my day as well.

M: Solo single.

L: Yeah.

M: Because she said she’s solo poly. And that she laughs out loud.

L: Awww. That’s nice.

M: Like people listen to this and laugh? Can you imagine?

L: That’s ridiculous.

Both: (laugh)

M: Aww. Yeah. I thought that was nice.

L: That’s super nice.  Would you like to hear a ridiculous food thing that’s not at all related? (laughs)

M: Yes.

L: I’m at the place where I’m like food is bringing me joy. So besides my lasagna, this is not an advertisement,

M: (laughs)

L: but you know that brand Oatly?

M: No.

L: that makes like, the oat milk?

M: No.

L: No? They have ads everywhere and they’re cute. They’re like blue and black like, I don’t know. Whatever.

M: I live under a rock.

L: I think their oat milk is good. What?

M: I said I live under a rock. I don’t see these things. (laughs)

L: That’s okay. That’s fine. Their oat milk is fine. I think all like fake milk tastes fairly similar. I don’t even know if I think oat milk tastes better. I just know it’s more sustainable than almond milk and I don’t care. I just can’t have cow dairy.

M: Mmhm.

L: But I bought their ice cream, the oat milk ice cream, just vanilla. And I have tried every kind of dairy free ice cream. ‘Cause again, can’t eat cow dairy, makes me feel terrible. So, you know, I’ve had coconut milk and almond milk and soy milk ice cream and they’re all fine. Like none of them are super good, but they do the trick, especially if I’m eating them like, with a brownie or with pie. I don’t care that the flavor is like slightly off. And I just except that nothing with ever taste like real ice cream except real ice cream. Oh my god. Oat milk ice cream tastes like real ice cream.

M: Is does? That’s good.

L: It’s so good. (laughs) Like my kiddo tried it after having a bite of real ice cream and she’s like, “This just tastes like ice cream.” I can’t tell you how life changing that is for me as we go into the summer, that I can have something that tastes like ice cream.

M:  Aw. I’m so happy.

L: So yeah. If you are- Thank you. So if you’re vegan or lactose intolerant or like me- I’m reverse lactose intolerant, (laughs) which is not a real thing that I just made up. But yeah. High recommend. It’s so good. I had it with strawberries. And it was ridiculous.

M: That sounds really yummy.

L: The other thing that I’ve been doing with my- It’s really good. It’s creamy, which is what you want from ice cream. Also I’ve been dealing with a bearded dragon with constipation, which is a sentence I didn’t think I’d say ever.

M: My dog has been constipated.

L: Aww.

M: (laughs) I’m taking her to the vet tomorrow.

L: It makes more sense with a dog because maybe like people are inside more and not- I don’t know. Maybe not. Like my dragon doesn’t move anyway. Like, that’s the problem. And so-

M: Yeah. What’s causing it then?

L: I mean, should we talk about- Like, we can go into this. He’s very picky and he only eat worms and greens, which is fine. I mean that’s like what their diet is.

M: I thought he ate crickets.

L: But worms- He doesn’t like crickets anymore. He’s being a picky little bitch about it.

M: Ooh.

L: And he won’t eat the fancy worms. He only wants the super worms.

M: Mmhm.

L: So like, they can cause some like backup, which is- And they don’t get a lot of water. And so like, they poop like every three to four days. (laughs) And that’s awesome ’cause it’s not a mess. But then I just had this moment where I’m like I don’t think this lizard has pooped in like a week.

M: Oh my gosh.

L: And so then I had to massage his belly

M: (laughs)

L: and put him in the bath like every day so he can soak up some water. And then like let him walk around outside of his aquarium. And the thing is he doesn’t want to be outside of it. It’s not like I have him like, locked up. He just sits on a, you know, he just like suns on a log.

M: (laughs)

L: That’s the exciting part of his life.

M: That sounds like a good life.

L: So I put him down and he just stands on the ground like, he’s like, “What?” Like, “What do you want?” And so he walks around a little. So we did that and then he pooped on my floor, which is fine ’cause

M: (laughs)

L: I just cleaned it up. But then he went another like six days again without pooping so I did the whole thing again. So I’m massaging like, this little dinosaur’s belly so he’ll poop. Like, this is who I have become

M: That’s adorable.

L: in my early middle age, is someone who rubs a lizard’s belly until he poops.

M: (laughs)

L: So yeah.

M: I need to see more pictures of your little dragon.

L: He has an Instagram.

M: Oh I need to follow it.

L: Yeah. I’m not gonna shout it out on here, but

M: (laughs)

L: I will tell you it later. If you know me in real life, feel free to ask and you can follow. But yes. He has his own Instagram. He’s cute, you know, he’s weird.

M: Do you actually post?

L: He looks like a dinosaur.

M: He is cute. I’ve seen him in person, right? Yes. Before this all happened and I was at your house.

L: You have. You have. ‘Cause we got him in January. How is your doggy besides the constipation?

M: (at the same time) It’s been that long already?

L: Yeah.

M: What month is it? Is it- Oh, it’s May.

L: It’s May.

M: Time is weird.

L: I mean, who knows. It’s stupid.

M: It is.

L: Somebody said it was-

M: When is this all supposed to be over?

L: Never. 2022. No, I mean, you know, we’re in Los Angeles, Long Beach, et cetera, and California’s doing like a four-tiered thing.

M: Mmhm.

L: So we’ve been in like stage one. We’re going into stage two, which means like, more retail places are going to let you do like, pickups

M: Mmhm.

L: and some trails are gonna open. And then like stage three will mean more like, I think stage three is like places more like tattoo shops and hair and, you know, all the stuff that all the fucking white people are complaining about will be stage three. And then they’ll be like larger group things like concert venues and stuff like that is stage four. And then it’ll be like back to normal. But even though they broke down the stages, they haven’t given a timeline yet ’cause you kinda can’t.

M: I don’t even want to think about it anymore because I’m just getting upset.

L: I know, right?

M: Is that I- Oh. my phone just vibrated and scared me. I live right by Pride, where it would be.

L: Aw yeah.

M: Like I would be able to walk to Pride this year and now there’s no Pride.

L: I’m pretty upset about that. I know.

M: Yeah.

L: There’s gonna be a lot of online Pride stuff, which I know is not the same. But like, I can’t remember, last time we recorded, did I tell you that we did the Polyqule meetup online?

M: I think you hadn’t done it yet but it was gonna happen that weekend or something.

L: Okay. So we did it and it was lovely. And I’m doing it every two weeks now. So I’m doing one again tomorrow. This is a queer polyamory meetup that usually is at a coffee shop, but, yeah. So we did it online last time and had like 15 people, which was really cool.

M: That’s really good.

L: And so I’m gonna- I’m curious to see how many people are gonna show up tomorrow. But it’s nice. And so I’m guessing there’s a lot of Pride things that are gonna be going on. I do really like Pride. I like Dyke Day. That’s my favorite. And yeah. I’m bummed that I can’t do it. Last year I was so high at Dyke Day that I just sat in the shade, because I was in a weird place (laughs) emotionally.

M: Mmhm.

L: But it was still really fun.

M: Yeah. I’m pretty bummed about that.

L: Have you ever gone to Dyke Day?

M: Yes. But not in a long time. I’ve been to the one in LA.

L: Yeah.

M: And then is there one in Long Beach? I don’t remember.

L: I don’t- No. It’s Dyke Day LA. But I went to Long Beach Pride last year too though. Long Beach has a really cute Pride.

M: Yeah. I’m so bummed that I would be able to walk

L: It feels like-

M: there and now it’s not happening.

L: Yeah, it has a very, kind of small town feel to it. It’s really sweet. Also like, it’s, this is more like, this feels- I don’t know why we feel so bad complaining. I don’t know. I’m thinking that I’m gonna unpack that. But I guess my birthday is gonna be during this. And like my birthday sucked so bad last year that I was hoping to do a 40 redux this year.

M: Mmhm.

L: But I guess not. (laughs) So maybe when I turn 42 I’ll pretend I’m turning 40.

M: Yeah. And my birthday’s gonna be August and I was thinking about that, that I was thinking that I doubt it’s gonna be done before then too.

L: I know. I know, my birthday’s in two months. And like, I don’t think we’ll- I mean, things will be a little better. But we won’t- It’s not like I can have a party. Like we’re not gonna be back to normal, normal, whatever that means.

M: You can have a virtual party, but that’s not the same.

L: Ugh. Fine. (laughs) I know. I’m so torn. Because like, it is kind of- I do find the larger group things, like the poly meetup. It’s really sweet, but I do find them kind of stressful.

M: Mmhm.

L: Just trying to watch everybody. Oh, I did do a really cool thing last week that was such a specfic to this time in the world. I have a friend who’s connected to people who like, do stuff with some tribes in the Amazon

M: Mmhm.

L: and there is a tribe in Columbia who does like a smoke medicine ceremony. And they did it through Zoom. So like, it was like,

M: Oh wow.

L: you know, these like, indigenious in their like, full, you know, like clothing and makeup and all of that and doing this whole ceremony where they were like singing and moving and there were like a hundred people watching via Zoom from like all over the world. And it was all in English and in Spanish.

M: Mmhm.

L: And it was really. You know, there’s so many times I think where like, technology is like, kindof ruining out lives. (laughs)

M: Mmhm.

L: And this was just a moment of like, oh this is super rad and just like would not exist without technology.

M: Yeah. That’s awesome.

L: Yeah. It was really cool.

M: You know what I’ve been struggling with? (laughs)

L: Hm?

M: I was doing really good with it, but I have been eating like nonstop.

L: Mmhm.

M: Food has been bringing me joy and comfort and like, what I’ve been looking forward to the most.

L: Yeah.

M: And so I’ve definitely gained weight. And I see, you know, ’cause of all the accounts we follow on Queers Next Door and what I follow personally, I don’t really see any negative talk about gaining weight. I see positive stuff. But even with seeing that, it’s not really helping. Before that, I was like, “Oh I feel so good in my body. Everything’s great.” And now I’m like finding myself wanting to diet. But then I’m not doing it. And then I feel like a traitor. I’m like, “Why do I want to diet? I’m not body positive.” You know what I mean?

L: Mmm.

M: And it’s like this weird feeling.

L: Yeah.

M: And I’m like, “How could I be body positive but also wanna lose weight and like take care of myself and not judge the food that I’m eating?” And it’s just like, it’s so much. You know, my brain starts to just like, to give up. It’s like, “Who cares? Fuck it. I’m just gonna eat whatever i want.” But it’s like, there has to be a balance I guess.

L: It’s hard. I mean, the diet messages are so insidious, that like, this is a very simple, obvious thing, but this is something… I actually talked about my body in therapy for one of the first times in a long time. ‘Cause I’m usually just like, a hundred percent like, body positive,

M: Mmhm.

L: if you will. And like, I’ve also gained- I don’t weigh myself. I don’t belive in weighing myself. I haven’t had a scale in like ten years. But I’ve definitely gained weight through this also. And I’m trying to like, yeah, to be positive or at least neutal. Like I like the idea of body neutrality, you know.

M: Yeah. Yeah, that’s true.

L: I’m trying to be neutral about it. But there is a thing that like, my therapist pointed out, which is just so obvious but like, it’s like, “Make sure you have clothes that fit.” Because I do notice that like gaining weight and putting on clothes that don’t fit, that are tight and uncomfortable, or like the fact that I like, can’t button my pants

M: Mmhm.

L: like, that feels very stressful,

M: Yes.

L: where like the way my naked body looks is not stressful.

M: Exactly.

L: And so like, I don’t know. My one piece of advice, ’cause it’s been for me, is if you’ve gained weight and your clothes don’t fit, buy something that fits.

M: Yeah. See? And that’s where I’m struggling. Because I have all my clothes and none of them fit me right now and like, none of my bras, none of my panties, nothing.

L: Yep.

M: And I’m like, “How can I afford to buy all new clothes?” So it makes me just want to starve myself. (laughs) But then I’m not gonna do that and I know that’s not good.

L: Sure.

M: And I used to love going to the thrift store and now I can’t go. And that was like my, you know, cheap, affordable place.

L: Yeah.

M: But I’m thinking of going to like Wal-Mart or something, even though everyone says don’t go there, but I know they have more affortable prices on stuff. But I definitely, especially with the weather warming up, I need to get clothes that I feel comfortable in.

L: Yeah.

M: (sighs) Yeah. I don’t know.

L: Well, and I would say. That was the same thought for me too, yes, sure. I’m not gonna diet. But like, I can’t afford to buy all new clothes. But I think, especially because we’re like not going out in the world that much like, buy a few comfy basics.

M: Yeah.

L: And just wear them all the time. So at my house, the only thing that we wear all day is we wear boxers and tank tops. And that’s it. I am so exctied that I found a gender neutral like, kind of children’s boxer briefs.

M: Mmhm.

L: Because I wear like the TomboyX ones. I love them. They’re like all I wear. And so my kiddo wanted some too and she like, her rule is like, she didn’t just want like little girl like bootie shorts. She wanted boxer briefs. But she did not want them to have a penis hole.

M: (laughs)

L: She was very like, “Nope. I don’t want that.” And so yeah. The brand Pact. Like P-A-C-T, makes like kid size boxer briefs that are, that like don’t have the flap. And so she’s been- I got here like a four pack and she’s delighted. So that’s all we wear around the house.

M: Aww. That’s so cute.

L: Yeah. So yeah.

Both: (talking at same time)

L: What?

M: I said we’ll have to put that in the blog post, that brand, so people can check it out.

L: Yeah. It’s like organic cotton and it’s not cheap but it’s not super expensive for what it is. (laughs) I also, because I like to get free shipping, bought myself like a sports bra and some leggings.

M: Oh no. That’s the worst feeling.

L: And they’re so, like they were too cheap for me to go through the ordeal of figuring out to ship them back.

M: Mmhm.

L: So yeah. I’m gonna see if anyone wants them. But yeah. I think like I have had the trouble of like, when I have to put on quote “real clothes,” then nothing fits. But if I stay in my boxers and tank tops, then they fit.

M: (laughs) That’s good.

L: That’s my recommendation. (laughs) Yes. Which honestly, is all I wanna wear in life anyway. So if I never have to anywhere or be around people like, I know we posted- You posted on our, the thing about like asing yourself questions about your gender presentation

M: Mmhm.

L: during quarantine. Like what does your gender presentation look like when you don’t see people?

M: Yeah.

L: And like, I don’t know what your experience with that has been. Because I know you’ve been like, you’ve been putting on makeup and that’s been a self-care like, hobby for you.

M: Yeah.

L: Do you notice any other stuff? Like for me I haven’t shaved my legs in a really long time. And I like my legs shaved.

M: Mmhm.

L: But I’m just like ugh. (laughs)

M: I think it’s really interesting that I started to wear more makeup and that I shave more often now

L: Uh huh.

M: and that I get ready more than I used to.

L: That is interesting. Why do you think that is?

M: I think because it makes me happy.

L: Yeah.

M: And I need things to make me happy now, whereas before I had just like, one time a week I really had to get dressed and leave to work. And how I don’t have that. So it’s almost like, okay, I’m doing doubletime. Like everyday I’m forcing myself to get dressed and I’ll even wear like nice dresses, my stretchy dresses that still fit me.

L: Yeah.

M: I’ll wear my like off-the-shoulder dresses just around the hosue and I’ll be covered in dog hair by the end of the day. But it just makes me feel better. So I have like a full face of makeup. My hair’s- I mean I don’t really do much to my hair, but my hair’s done. And I’ll be in like this cute dress to just sit at home.

L: I think that’s nice.

M: And before, I would never do that. So I think, like I said, before I knew I had one day to do that. And now that I don’t have that, I’m like, “Well, I’m gonna do it every day.” (laughs) And that’s probably why I’m feeling that pressure of like, wanting to lose weight, because I’m forcing myself to wear these real clothes that I would never wear. Like before I used to never wear them. I would just sit at home in comfies all day. And now I’m forcing myself to wear stuff every day.

L: That’s really interesting.

M: Yeah.

L: But it seems like you’re saying you’re forcing but it sounds like you’re saying it makes you happy though. Like it feels good.

M: Yes. It makes me happy. I’m forcing myself to make myself happy.

L: Yeah.

M: So not in a bad way.

L: And like, no I totally get that. And what I’m learning is that, a thing that I kind of figured was true anyway but I’m learning is true, is that I literally don’t- Like I don’t, just don’t care about clothes. I just don’t want- Like all clothing that I wear has been some form of gender performative at some point. And I just want to wear boxers and tank tops. That’s it.

M: Mmhm.

L: Forever.

M: Forever and ever.

L: And I’m perfectly happy with that. So yeah. I’m just bummed that at some point I’m gonna have to wear real clothes again,

M: (laughs)

L: ’cause I can’t even- Like I don’t want to put on jeans.

M: Oh, I know.

L: I like jeans usually. But ugh.

M: Yeah.

L: So yeah. I’m still, I’m trying to figure that out. Yeah. (laughs) That’s my story in that it’s been interesting. This is probably like, its own, I don’t know, this is its own episode slash therapy appointment. But yeah, gender presentation stuff has felt really interesting and I’m like, feel like I’m in a weird place like, kind of figuring some stuff out about that. But I feel like I’m too old to be doing that. And I know that that’s bullshit. But like, it kinda feels that way.

M: Mmhm.

L: I don’t know.

M: Yeah. I can see why it would, but you’re not too old. But I know you know that. It’s just a feeling that you have.

L: I mean, I know. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. And I also think that like, you know, some forms of like, people expressing things have a lot to do with like hair and like hair cuts. But I refuse to do anything with my hair because it’s so much easier when it’s long. Like there’s so many like cute, short hairstyles that if I thought I could maintain, I would maybe think about.

M: Mmhm.

L: I’m not shaving my head. I’ve shaved my head twice in my life and it looked terrible both times.

M: (laughs)

L: I’m definitely not gonna do that. I look like a baby monkey when it grows back in.

M: (laughs)

L: So that sounds cute but it’s a hard pass. But so I don’t know how to do any shor things. So what I do is I just let it grow long so that I can just like, throw it up and get it out of my face

M: Yeah.

L: so I’m not sweating. Most of my decisions are based around me not sweating.

Both: (laugh)

L: Yeah. My gray steak is coming in pretty hardcore though and I am into that. That is something I feel really excited about.

M: Yeah. I like that.

L: Yeah. I like it too. I’m happy with it.

M: So do you want to do an episode where we talk about that gender stuff. That would be fun.

L: I don’t know. Maybe. I think we could. I feel like, you know what it is. I feel like it’s something that people want to probably talk about or hear about,

M: Mmhm.

L: not neccearily my personal expereince with it, but just in general. Yeah. I think it could be a thing. I have noticed a really funny place, is that like, because I’m playing Animal Crossing, that like, I’ve been really aware of like, I know you can dress your little person however you want. But I mostly just dress my person only in things that I would wear (laughs)

M: Yeah.

L: in real life. So it’s funny because it’s like this cute like cartoon version of basically me

M: Mmhm.

L: versus like, you know, like my kiddo’s like putting on crazy costumes and all this stuff,

M: Yeah.

L: which is really adorable but like, my person just wears like short sleeve button ups and jean shorts.

M: How cute. I wanna play again. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time and then with my free time I’ve been reading

L: That’s nice.

M: or watching Jersey Shore. (laughs)

L: You know,

M: That’s the only thing I watch now.

L: well you know, I feel like there’s only so many things you can do, because I’ve been reading but I haven’t really been watching TV.

M: Yeah.

L: It’s like I can’t do TV and video games and reading and podcasts.

M: Yeah. You can only do a few.

L: So TV has been the one that I haven’t been doing much of. But yeah, I think that we’ll finish up soon. But let us know if there’s something that you would like, whether like gender identity presentation is something that y’all want to hear about. I will say that I’m a little- I know we don’t need to be productive during a pandemic. But I do feel like I’m a little more like, scatterbrained, like focus is a lot harder for me. But I don’t wanna bore anybody. And yeah, we can focus. (laughs) Tell us what to focus on.

M: Yeah. Give us an idea. Give us a topic. We can do gender identity. We can do other stuff. I feel like our first season we talked so much about polyamory

L: We did.

M: and now we haven’t talked about it at all.

L: Well that’s because

M: (still laughing) Yeah.

L: But like, yeah, only abstractly. I mean, interestinly, like, you know, I mean I guess I can talk a little more about sex coaching stuff again. But I am noticing that I’m getting more work during this, which

M: Oh, good.

L: I thought might happen. I was mostly like, “Oh no, I’m not gonna have any work,” ’cause, you know, I can’t clean houses obviously, which is my other job. But then I am noticing that I’m actually getting a lot more people reaching out, which makes sense. And it’s kinda nice ’cause that means people are like- Whenever people reach out like, it just means that like they’re focusing on their self-care again. And that makes me really happy.

M: Mmhm.

L: And also money. (laughs) So yeah.

M: Yeah. I’m glad you’re getting more clients

L: Thanks.

M: or you’re at least getting more work. That’s good.

L: Yeah. Yeah. It is good and especially like when you just have like no sense of what’s going on or any sense of normalcy, it feels like work helps.

M: Mmhm.

L: And it sounds like that’s true for you but maybe you’re working like, a little more

M: Yeah.

L: than-

M: I just have to find the balance. I have to be better with schedules and stuff.

L: It’s tough.

M: Yeah.

L: Alright. Well I think we’re done.

M: (at the same time) Oh! And if anyone has questions for you, remember, the sex coach questions, you can still send those in. We haven’t had one in awhile.

L: Yeah. We’ve done that in the past. That’s true. So we’ve done in the past, if you’re new here, Ask Sex Coach Leigh. I used to do it, like write it more as a column. I may start writing it again at some point. But I’ve done it like on my Instagram and our joint Instagram before. So yeah, we’ll probably call it out on the Instagram soon. But either way, if you have any questions that you want to ask a sex coach, by all means do. I can answer things about obviously about like sexuality and gender identity, about polyamory, about kink, about body image, about I don’t know, sex and relationships. Yeah. So hit me with your questions. You can keep ’em anonymous, of course, if you would like. And yeah, I’d be happy to answer ’em on here. And also, you know, ’cause I haven’t been sick lately, I haven’t talk as much about like chronic illness or PMDD. But I can always answer questions about those things as well or sobriety or mental health or, you know.

M: Yeah.

L: All the things.

M: We can talk about so many things. (laughs)

L: We can. I know. (laughs) Okay. Well thanks everybody. We’ll talk to you next time.

M: Thanks. We’ll see you next time. Bye.

L: Bye.

L: Thanks for listening to Queers Next Door. We hope you enjoyed it. Be sure to follow, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you listen to your podcasts.
M: If you like what we’re doing, join the Queers Next Door fan club at patreon.com/queersnextdoor to receive all of our exclusive content, and we’ll mail you a fun little surprise. You can find the link on our blog queersnextdoor.com. Cheers, queers!